My Journey Part 2

2005-2008 Post-college years

I've just got out of college, and living back in the Bay Area. As a graduation gift, I went on a cruise with some family, and that was great. I can say that was around the first time after school, that I had some inclination that I should do something about my weight. Not being able to take off my shirt in that nice weather was frustrating, but still had a great time. Definitely was trying to get with chicks on the boat, but no luck. But I was used to this by this time. But all in all, it was awesome. Feeling real good, because I just got my degree, and looking to take on the world. In the back of my mind, I knew I had to do something about my weight, because I was definitely not satisfied with it. So at this time, I'm living with my mom, and still not caring about what I eat. I was broke coming out, so whatever I could get my hands on that was cheap and good, that was good for me. I would just go to the Burger King and burgers, and other crap like that. To my surprise, when I came home, there was a Panda Express, and while I in college, an I-N-Out Burger opened up very close to home (If you never had I-N Out Burger, you have to try it. It is the best burger hands down. This might be counter productive, but if you follow my advice, you will able to have fast food once in a while and not feel bad about it. But the main thing about what I will tell you in this blog is to be mindful of how much of it you eat.). So I started just eating out all the time, and my mom would have the ingredients to make my favorite breakfast that I pretty much survived on in college, over easy eggs, pork sausages, and hasbrowns. So this went on, but at some point, I knew I had to cut down, so I did, and I started working out at the local gym, and playing some basketball occasionally. So as this time went on, I was still getting rejected by women, and it was just taking a toll on me. But times got to be a little better, because I landed a dream job testing video games, and I loved it. I love vids, and still do today. I as an vidot, this was heaven. But it was definitely alot of sitting. So I was living a pretty sedentary life, but I was loving my job. I was making decent money, but the main thing is that I'm making money playing the one thing I love doing (In college, there was alot of nights of Halo and Madden. It really helps takes your mind off of things, and believe or not, I will tell you how vids can help with weight loss. I know it 's crazy, but I'll explain later.). Still a overweight and lonely, I thought I needed something to boost my confidence. I hated living with my mom, and I also hated not having a car. I decided one of these things would help with my confidence, and help me get some chicks. So I decided instead of moving out, I would get a car. And man, did I get one. I got an Audi, and it was beautiful. This gave me so much confidence. It's crazy what a new car can do for a man's confidence. I was getting looks, and I loving my new ride. I thought this would be the key to end my loneliness, and chicks were going to come. But in reality, I was just trying to cover my insecurities. Hide my fatness. Man, was I wrong. Even though I was very happy at this point, there was one thing I longed. A touch of another woman. So I was still working playing video games, and I knew I had to make more money. I was a college graduate for God's sake. I knew I deserved to get paid better, so I tried applying within the company, but I was getting no where. So I decided to leave the job I loved so much, and search for that big paying job.

So after months of searching, got a job at a company in downtown SF. Man, I was stoked. By this time, it was 2007, and I remember in the summer of 2007, I was doing some type of dieting, I think I was eating a little better, and playing b-ball. I also had a boxing bag, so I would workout on that, letting of frustrations about life and the rejection of countless of women. I started getting in to bodyweight exercises by then. Because I didn't want to go to the gym, but I want to get a good workout. I was always good at doing pushups, and would do alot in my youth. I would do them time from time to make me feel good throughout my life, because I always thought that I could still do pushups, that meant I was not too out of shape. I could always bust out 20 in a row. But I started really focusing on it as a workout, and and one point, I could do 50 in a row. So been working out lately, and landing a great job, I was feeling good at this point, and I thought now, the girls would be rolling in. I was a catch, why wouldn't they want me? I was making 55K a year, nice car. And a few months later, I finally moved out of my mom's house, and moved to the city. So I was really feeling good. But still, I was not getting any play, and it was taking its toll. Around this time, I start to do alot of soul searching, and I suggest you all do that too. I started reflecting on my life, and the rejection I received because of my weight. I thought I was a good person with alot going for myself, but I was very insecure about alot of things, and I had to find out why. So I went through trying to change my personality. I wanted to stop being nice. I started being an asshole, when this was not me at all. But I knew that I had to stop being so damn nice. I knew this is something that turns off women. So I started reading books, and looking for info on the Internet about how to attract women. I was hearing about all of the bullshit about pretty much be a douchebag, and I was eating it up. So this was a period where I was trying to change my personality. I'll have to say, it was hard being an asshole. I'm generally a nice person, and it's not in my nature. So I would say that the first in my journey was to find out who I am. I had alot of insecurities, so being nice was my way of masking it. I know we all hate when a girls says your so nice, and all that bullshit that he's my friend. That shit pissed me the hell off. So you can imagine being a generally nice person, then adding my insecurities, then you just had a bowl of mess. So I knew I had to change something, but I didn't change my personality. I thought I was just boring, and I didn't have alot to offer, so any woman that would give me any attention, I would kiss her feet. But I knew I had alot to offer, and I had to stop pleasing people and have women earn my respect. And this should apply in all aspects of life. So lets just say I tweaked my personality, and had the idea that I didn't care what people think of me. And then I got into the notion that you know, women are just going to reject you for various of reason. So I shouldn't get so caught up in getting reject, and I just needed to put myself out there. If you fall, just get right back up, and go find another. There's one out there for me. This worked wonders for me mentally, and I would say was a key step in my weight loss journey, because I had to learn a thing or too. I decided I was gonna be who I am, but be a stand up man. I'm a nice guy, and that's who I am. But a woman has to earn my niceness. Listen, I never really had a male figure in my life. I knew my dad, and I talked to him alot, and he loves me alot, and I love him too. But I didn't know how to be man, and approach this world. My mom, bless her heart, couldn't teach me that. She was a very devout Christian, and grew up heavily in the church. So you can imagine how much impact it had on me. To be honest, I hated church. I never felt the what the big hoopla was all about, but I went with the motions, but I can say I was definitely a god fearing christian growing up, but was not to christian-like things, which messed me up. But as I grew up, I started to drift away from Christianity, and understood that you don't need to find God through the church. This is a subject I will touch on from time to time in the future, because this did have a profound impact on my life and in my weight loss journey. But anyways, like I was saying, I had to learn alot of things on my own. Then I started to realize that my mother didn't instill me with good eating habits. Not blaming her, but I wish she instilled me with calorie counting, because if I knew that then, I wouldn't be what I am now, trying to lose weight. So with this soul searching period, I changed for the better, and I can say that period really helped in for me, and it did pay dividends. I definitely am a social butterfly. I love going out with friends, and partying. But still didn't know what to do about the women issue. I made major changes mentally, but I was a more confident man, and at this point, I wasn't getting over my nervousness of women, and was better at carrying on a conversation. But still, there was some other insecurities that I had to get over.

Not only was I insecure about me, and who I am, I was definitely insecure sexually. I know this is a touchy subject, and it's even hard for me to talk about, but I'm doing this to help you Big Dawg. Now, there's alot of us when it comes to penis size, they're showers and growers. Look it up, and you can find out more. But lets say I'm a big grower. What this means is that given that my penis is not to impressive on soft, on hard, I'm alot better than average. But I was so insecure about it, all I could see was my soft penis, even though I was doing fine on hard. So you can imagine what toll this took on me mentally, being overweight with a small soft penis. I really believe I couldn't satisfy a woman. But I knew I had to get over this. Because I want to meet a woman who could one day have my kids. I really want kids, and want to have kids with the right woman, so knew this was an important step to get over. So lets go over my sexual history for a second. In high school, I didn't care too much for some reason, but was still mindful. I can count the girls on my hand that I had sex with, but I did hook up with some alot, but never got to the getting off the pants part. And in SB, I didn't do anything, and college, I had a girlfriend once, and we had sex once, and it was like for a few minutes, and she or I didn't cum. It was soon after, we broke up. I'm sure it was I was so terrible in bed, but in my mind, I thought it was definitely my size. So my confidence was shot. But even before that, a year before college, I had some wild sex with some chick to this day, I couldn't tell you who she was. But it was cool, because I just figured that I was the smallest thing she's ever seen, and that was that, but the sex was good for me. So since 2000, I'd had sex with 2 chicks. So that's about 8 freaking years. I was getting frustrated. So I had to do something. So what did I do, hit up the Internet and do some research (on another note, the Internet has changed my life. I was able to look up alot of information to help me in my journey. I'm forever grateful to it). It had to see if there's anyone out there with my same problem. I found alot of info, and it did the obvious thing to do, and measure my penis to see where I stack up. It's crazy what the mind does to you, and your self image, because I couldn't believe what I was reading. After doing measurements, I found out that I was very well endowed when it came game time. Like better the 65% of the world population. So I had to tell my self that I was indeed capable of pleasing a women, and had to get over it. So I decided to just go ahead and dive in. And I hate to say this, but it's only human nature to hear about other people's problems, and feel better about yourself, because I would read about some sizes and say damn. But what you learn is that no matter how you hang, it's all good. All a woman needs is stamina, and a man who knows what they're doing. But anyways, like anything you would like to do, and get better at, you had to start doing it. I was lucky at this time to catch the eyes of this chick. I this time, I dropped down to around 265, and feeling little better about myself. This leads in to my motivation for wanting to drop the weight. I LIKE HOT CHICKS! Don't we all? I don't want to settle for someone just because that's the best I can get. And when I think about it, I can remember for years, I could of had sex with some less than stellar woman, but I was just so damn picky, and didn't want to lower my standards. How does that sound, I'm the one who doesn't want to lower my standards, and I'm asking these hot chicks to do it for me. I was pretty lucky in high school to get some pretty good tail. I was the captain of the football team, and I was dating the really hot head cheerleader. So my standards were high. I had to get real with myself, because if I want to make my way up back to the majors, I'm gonna have to practice with some minor leaguers if you know what I mean. So like I was saying, caught the eye of this chick, and she was down. She was OK, but not something I would be drawn to, but I was like fuck it. I had to dive in, and put some training wheels before I can ride the bike. So even though I was scared as shit, and thought I was be terrible, when I pulled it out for the first time in years, she said my penis was perfect! It was the first thing she said. Do you know how much that did for my confidence? Then we ended having great sex, and I did better than I expected. I think the years of watching porn, and "studying" finally paid off. So after that, I was feeling real good, just got a huge monkey off my back. So I was thinking, I was back in the game. I was looking at women differently. So this was an important process in my journey, getting over my sexual security.

So when 2008 comes around, and I can say this was a defining year in my journey. I landed the job in late 2007, and was feeling good about 2008. This is when I started feeling very insecure about my body. I was committed to do something about it. This is when I went through my soul searching that I just talked about. In the early part of the year, I wasn't worried too much about the rejection. I was a changed man mentally, and I wasn't going to let it get to me anymore, but everyone has their breaking point, and it came from two women. I started working out, and looking at changing my diet. Toward mid year in 2008, I decided one thing I could do is drop soda, and switch to diet. I loved soda, and this something i knew I had to do. It was unnecessary calories, and I told myself I will learn to like diet soda. I never liked it, but I consciously changed it. I also tried to cut down on my eating too, but there was too many foods that I liked. Even though it helped in my nutrition, I think that just kept me stagnant at my weight which was dancing around 265-270. But another thing that gave made me want to do something about it was that damn Facebook and Myspace. I hated looking at my pictures, and still do to this day, because I always looked fat. And I hated that everyone would be able to see my fat ass. And as it got more popular, more and more of my friends wanted to take pictures for their pages, and I would oblige, because I didn't want to be rude, and I definitely didn't want to tell them that I don't want pictures of me up for the whole to see me. So I would see constant updates of how I was looking. In the past, I had the "luxury" of not having to see myself often, since Facebook and Myspace started to get popular during the middle of my college years. But now, I thank them for forcing me to accept reality. I need to get in shape. But in mid 2008, I met this fine woman, and I was really trying to lock it down. She was so hot, and she was really feeling me, and I was feeling the same towards her. But this was before I got over my sexual insecurities, so I didn't approach it in the right way. We dated, for a couple months, but wasn't anything in stone, but I liked for what it is at the time. I was so insecure sexually, I wasn't trippin about having sex with her yet. I was just happy to have this hot chick on my side when we went out. But I was getting to the point were I wanted to be together officially, and I really wanted to have sex with her. She was kinda iffy on the whole thing, and I was definitely putting myself out there, and looking stupid. This was abou the time an event happened that was change my life, and it was a good thing. For years and years, I've always heard about was this event, Reggae on the River, and wanted to go for years. But the stars were aligned for this year. I had a great job, so I could definitely afford it, and I was planning for months with friends to go. But this girl I was talking about came in to my life, and I wanted to do something for her. I decided that I wanted to go do an weekend excursion in Monterey. If you never been there, it is a very beautiful city, and very romantic. I would love to get married there some day. But I definitely wanted to spend it with a special someone. So I was gonna flake on my friends, and do the weekend thing with this girl. I knew I couldn't afford to do the weekend thing, and go to this event, so I made a choice. But in retrospect, everything happens for a reason. Since I knew the event was a event where you wanna try to look your best in the least possible clothes, I started to increase my bodyweight excersises, and was getting trying to look as best as I can for the event. So just before the event, the girl told me she didn't want to go, and was backing out. I was devastated, so me being pissed as hell, I decided to the event. Before I went, I was definitely a novice reggae fan. I appreciated the music, but never really got in to it. But this event, and reggae music has changed my life forever. I would always say do a musical event like this. You go into the middle of nowhere, with thousands of people around, positive energy, and the most amazing musical performances I've ever seen. This event changed my life for many of reasons. This music gave me a consciousness of self respect, and being yourself. And for some reason, when I hear this music, I can't stop moving. I've always loved dancing, and was pretty good at it, but reggae music really brought out of me. I enjoyed the music and it changed my life, and now, a very advt reggae fan. But I can say, besides the cruise, this was my first even where I wish I was in shape and could take off my shirt. There were some fine looking women there, and wish I had the the body some of my friends had. Since I was having such a great time, and planned on coming to this event every year for a long time, I told my self by this time next year, I was gonna be in alot better shape.

So after this event, this were things with this girl got interesting. So after toying with me for a while, and she telling me for a few weeks she really liked me, and me catching deep feelings for her, she dropped a bomb on me, and told me she was dating someone else, and was gonna roll with that guy. She pretty much told me she was not attracted to me. This was profound to me, and I went into deep depressive state at this point. It was finally enough, and I had to deal with it this is when I started working out, and eating better. I actually starved myself for a little bit, because I was so pissed, and was ready to lose the weight fast. I started doing a training with boxing. My nutrition wasn't has keen as it is now, but I was definitely losing some weight, and was determined. I dropped down to the 255-260 range. Towards the end of 2008, this was when I got the over the sexual hurdle, and was ready to take 2009 on.