For the first time in my life, I'm semi-happy with my body...

This morning was definitely one like no other. As you may have read, I've been on a weight loss journey that has shown recent success, but for my whole life, I've had body image issues. From my weight, to my penis size, there was always something that made me feel not sexy at all, and had nothing to offer. I always remember from when I was a kid never being satisfied with the way I look. I thought I was a decent looking man, but my weight always made me feel unattractive. Yes, I did some things that gave me confidence like sports, and as a teen, I did have my fair share of women. But not as much as I could of, because of my insecurties. This morning had me thinking of how long it has been since I've been satisfied with what I'm seeing in the mirror, and all I can think is I have never been satisfied with what I was seeing in the mirror. It's kind of sad when I think about it. I was able to deal with it more as a kid and teen, but in my 20s, it was pretty bad. I remember always saying I need to lose weight, blah blah blah. But never knew how to go about it, and I was too impatient. I hated every inch of fat on my body, and still do. It drove me crazy, and I was in denial for a long time about my body. Always trying to hide it in my clothes. Never able to take off my shirt in public. When I got in my 20s, and my weight was really getting out of control, the constant rejection I recieved really took its toll. But I blame myself for not having any confidence in myself. And was just insecure about alot of things. I never thought I could ever be the man that I know I could be. Maybe alot of it had to do with never having a dominant male figure in my life to show me how a man is supposed to be, and carry himself. My mom, bless her heart, is a woman. A religious woman at that, trying to show me how to carry myself. I think she did a great job in raising a moral man, because my morals come from her. But the other little things I had to learn for myself. And that learning came really late for me. Things like discpline, practice, patience, who a man should carry himself, how to impress a woman, etc. are things that a dominant male figure should tell a young boy. A collection of things that led to me living an undisciplined life. But even with the way my life shaped, all I can say is I am grateful for life.





I'm a true believer in everything happens for a reason.





For the first time in my life, I can say that I'm semi-happy with my body. As I'm looking in the mirror this morning, I'm seeing changes in my body, and the hard work is really paying off. Even recently, since I have been losing my body fat, the changes weren't too noticable unless I was on a scale or measuring inches on my waist. But now, I see my skin tightening, face getting smaller, seeing the outline of my torso. It's really a trip to me. I haven't been this weight since high school, but I definitely have more lean muscle mass which is looking good as I lose body fat. I really think that for the first time ever in my life, I can take off my shirt with confidence. Listen, I know my body isn't perfect, and even when I get to my ideal weight and body fat, that it won't either. The point is that I do want to look fit. Even if I do have stretch marks that I will have for the rest of my life, I will use them as a reminder of where I don't ever wanna go again. Plus, I'm hoping that they will become less noticable as my skin gets more tightened, but I won't trip if it doesn't. I know I have alot more to go. I'm sitting at around 35-26% bodyfat and weighing 232 (I've gained about 5 pounds in the past couple of weeks, and it seems tha I've kinda plateaued. I was worried at first, but I'm losing inches around my waist, we leads me to believe that I'm gaining muscle which is great. Because even with the weight gain, I see noticable changes in my body). My goal is to get to about 15% bodyfat. With my unscientific calculations, I expect to be around 215-200 range to be at that.





Body image I believe is key to the well being of the human mind. Everyone wants to be percieved in a postive manner. I believe that because I thought I was hideous in the mirror, I would overcompensate by being nice to people. But there are alot of people who are percieved well by themselves when the look in the mirror. It took alot of soul searching, even before my weight loss of the past few months to get that. Instead of hating what I saw in the mirror, and believing this was the way the cards were dealt to me, I started to say that I liked what I see in the mirror, but was not satisfied with some of the things that I knew I could control like my body fat. So as the perception of myself got better, everything else came in place. I have never be more sexually confident than I've been in the past few months. Because I let alot of my insecurties go and it has paid dividends, and I have never been happier in my life. I'm still am not satified by what I see in the mirror, and I think that is a postive thing, because even though I'm ok with how I look now, I know I can do alot better. I'm still a little insecure about my body, but not hating it as much. I think insecurities is the mind's way of saying that something is not right about yourself, and you need to do something about it if you can. Some things you can't, and you must try to move past them. For an example, my penis size was something I was very insecure about. But when I decided that if I continue this thought, I will be a lonely man, and never have kids like I always wanted, I later found out that not only was my mind in my way, but I was very much well endowed. I think watching porn, and going to the gym made me too insecure about my size. I know that why I'm not on "rock", it's nothing to right home to mama about (kinda weird), but when it's game time, I'm very well endowed, and have been complimented lately on my penis. And making a woman cum has to be the best feeling for a man. I've been doing that consistantly with my partners, which lets me know that I can get the job done. My body image has improved because of my sexual confidence now. Actually now that I think about it, my sexual confidence has surpassed the confidence I have in my body, but getting my body in shape is a longer process. But my overall body image is a postive one for the first time in my life, and I can't tell you how happy I am. The things in the past that would get me down, don't get me down as much as it used to. I really feel like that I'm the man I always wanted to be. Yes, I'm still learning as always, but I think I'm finally at that point in my life where I wanna be mentally.



When I think of the saying, that everything happens for a reason, I truly believe that. I try to think of the life I could of had if I was in shape, and had a better body image of myself. I may have done things differently, may have had a different personality, other things of that nature I wonder how I would of been. But to me, it seems that I'm reborn, and the life ahead is gonna be great. It seems that I have the sexual libido of a 18 year old, and I'm almost 30. I wonder if having so much sex and doing it so many ways could stall your sex drive compared to your age. Just my hypothesis, because it seems that I can go on for a while, and it amazes me. When I write this, I hope that there something that strikes a nerve with you as I'm pretty much pouring out my guts in this blog. Something that I can't do or talk about with any of my closest friends or family. I just hope that through my reflection, that you can see that I was just like you, and that I'm no more special than you. I just decided to put a little more self discipline in my life, and that you can do it too. I've overcomed what you are going through, and still on my journey to a better me. And I know this is so cliche, but fuck it. If I can do it. I know anyone can...